Blame Your Beach Body Anxieties on the Bible

озеро, Арона, a photo by roman.noven on Flickr.

From Take a Stroll… with Rob Delaney - Problem Areas

Hi everybody! How’s it going? If you’re a woman, I hope your answer is “I’m fucking starving!” Bikini season will be here before you can say “Jamochachino Surprise,” so you better be torturing yourself and focusing your meager intellect and out-of-control emotions on shedding those pounds, girlfriend! I saw an article in a magazine yesterday that highlighted “four problem areas” a woman can have. Are you shitting me? I’m assuming that article was written by a woman, because if you think you’ve only got four problem areas to worry about you’ve gone so deep into the “Red Tent” of feminine insanity you might never come back. I don’t have a dedicated bank of super-servers in rural Washington State to store a giga-list of everything that could be or probably is wrong with your body, so I’ll just name a few:

Saddle bags, upper-arm fat, cottage cheese thighs, midriff-bulge (aka F.U.P.A aka “gunt”), flat chest, asymmetrical breasts, butt-beard, bacne, pit-cheese, cankles, surprise tampon string cameos, eczema, ham spatula, ashy elbows, feet of any kind, hairy knuckles, beef knuckles, uncle’s knuckles, vaginal halitosis, bald spots, loaf latch, sideburns, flatbottom, creeping jimson weed, dowager’s hump, treasure trail, Pepperidge Farm, razor bumps, leakage, phantom dangle, and panty dandruff.

I know it wasn’t easy to read that list since you likely recognized between 22 and 70 items from your very own body. Jesus Christ, that’s got to be discouraging. You probably feel like some sort of crippled, cupcake-hunting whale, listlessly bobbing in the ocean off the western coast of Mexico, hoping some merciful Ahab will happen upon you and order his big black Queequeg to hurl a harpoon into your heart, ending it all. (Unless there’s some sort of afterlife situation, where women who didn’t subject their appearance to enough scrutiny are punished for eternity, which, if we’re being honest, is probably exactly what happens.)

“Why me?” I can hear you screaming. Well, if you’re not too ashamed to leave the house, head down to your local library and pick up a Bible. You don’t have to read too far to get to the part where Eve (the first woman to both perspire AND fart when nervous) pigs out on a massive fruit buffet, angering God. As a result, God calls Eve a “fat bitch,” orders her to “put some fucking clothes on” (Genesis 3:16) and decrees that henceforth, all women’s bodies will essentially be lumpy torture-machines existing to satisfy men, assuming they can keep their “crazy pussy hair” under control (Genesis 3:20-22).

The Bible is loaded with great advice, and it’s important we remember that makeup companies and the media and plastic surgeons are not foisting some made-up idea of what’s “beautiful” upon women. These laws come straight from the mouth of Dr. Samuel F. Godburgers Himself, issued as He shrieks across the sky astride His prayer-powered Truth Rocket. And the fantastic news is that God’s first “Message to the Ladies” appears in the Old Testament, a text vital to Jews, Christians, and Muslims alike. So don’t be acting like you ain’t heard, unless maybe you grew up in Asia, subscribing to some religion that dilutes its firepower among 330 million Gods (why so many Gods? With that many Gods, there must be Gods named like, “Rick,” or maybe a God of hot turkey sandwiches? Why not?). Or even worse; maybe you were raised in a religion that doesn’t even have a God to give a shit about what you look like in a bikini. It sickens me to imagine.

I can hear some of you women disagreeing with me. You think the Bible is a dusty, 5,000-year-old comic book written by men. You believe that today’s arbiters of tastes and trends are cash-vacuuming soul murderers who subsist on your fear. And you might even think you can hear the board members of Procter and Gamble and the bearded polygamists who wrote the Bible high-fiving through a hole in the space-time continuum and having a good laugh.

But that would be crazy.

Was pink originally a boys' color?

Untitled, a photo by la_sendi on Flickr.

From The Straight Dope: Was pink originally the color for boys and blue for girls? by Cecil Adams

In the 1800s most infants were dressed in white, and gender differences weren't highlighted until well after the kids were able to walk. Both boys and girls wore dresses or short skirts until age five or six. Differences in clothing were subtle: boys’ dresses buttoned up the front, for example, while girls’ buttoned up the back. Why no attempt to discriminate further? One theory is that distinguishing boys from girls was less important than distinguishing kids from adults. Childhood was a time of innocence, whereas adulthood typically meant grueling physical labor. Perhaps mothers decking out their little boys in dresses thought: They’ll get to be manly soon enough.

By midcentury baby clothing in colors other than white had begun to appear, but gender-based distinctions were slow to emerge. In 1855 the New York Times reported on a "baby show" put on by P.T. Barnum, exhibiting "one hundred and odd babies" dressed in pinks, blues, and other colors seemingly without regard to gender. In a passage from Louisa May Alcott's 1868-'69 blockbuster Little Women, a female twin is distinguished by a pink ribbon and a male twin by a blue one, but this is referred to as "French fashion," suggesting it wasn't the rule over here. A Times fashion report from 1880 has boys and girls dressed alike in white, pink, blue, or violet, and another from 1892 says young girls were wearing a variety of colors that spring, including several shades of blue.

But from the 1890s onward, boys' and girls' clothing styles started to diverge, with boys dressed in trousers or knickers at progressively earlier ages. Jo Paoletti of the University of Maryland, a longtime specialist on the topic, reviewed more than 500 descriptions and images of children's clothing appearing in print between 1890 and 1920 and notes a rapid "masculinization" of boys' wear, for reasons that remain obscure.

As part of this differentiation, there seems to have been an effort to establish characteristic colors for girls and boys. But it took decades to develop a consensus on what those colors were. For years one camp claimed pink was the boys' color and blue the girls'. A 1905 Times article said so, and Parents magazine was still saying it as late as 1939. Why pink for boys? Some argued that pink was a close relative of red, which was seen as a fiery, manly color. Others traced the association of blue with girls to the frequent depiction of the Virgin Mary in blue.

I’m not convinced, however, that there was ever a consensus that pink was for boys and blue was for girls. On the contrary, indications are the two colors were used interchangeably until World War II. Examples of pink as a mark of the feminine aren't hard to come by, one of the cruder being the use of a pink triangle to identify homosexuals in Nazi prison camps. After the war the tide shifted permanently in favor of blue as a boy's color. In 1948, royal-watchers reported Princess Elizabeth was obviously expecting a boy, since a temporary nursery set up in Buckingham Palace was gaily trimmed with blue satin bows. By 1959 the infantwear buyer for one department store was telling the Times, "A mother will allow her girl to wear blue, but daddy will never permit his son to wear pink."

How did pink get ghettoized as a girls' color? Nobody really knows. Professor Paoletti thinks the choice was largely arbitrary, but others credit innate biological tendencies. Research on color preference in monkeys has shown females prefer warmer colors like pink and red — supposedly an infant primate's pink face brings out its mother's nurturing instincts. A color preference study of Caucasian and Chinese men and women showed both Caucasian and Chinese women strongly preferred red and pink, while Caucasian men strongly preferred blue and green. However, the Chinese men showed a broader range, with many picking red and pink — possibly because in China red is considered lucky. To me that suggests the biology argument is pretty weak. Sure, my favorite color is blue. But it's entirely possible I say that because I was always told I should.

A Novel Idea

Untitled, originally uploaded by Anna Ristuccia.

I recently read a book that was written in ten days. Kind of ridiculous, right? Well, I'm pretty weird and I've decided to try it.

Job Aptitude

gatitos, originally uploaded by elgranpacheco2.

I need to find a job. I'm not really sure what sort of thing to do though. I'm really good at naming cats. People should pay me to name their cats.

I'd give some examples, but hey, I don't work for free.

Insight for November

, originally uploaded by lovemyashby.

Have You Considered That:

♥ Guys that aren't very compassionate probably don't score with ladies who are on the rebound.

For All My Pregnant Friends

I saw this and thought of you.

Doctors Blog About the Weirdest Stuff They've Removed From Patients

realclose, originally uploaded by _asphyxia_.

From Gizmodo:

Sermo, a members-only website for doctors, asked its doctor users to post about the strangest things they had ever pulled out of their patients. Then, they published some of the weirdest on their public blog. They are very weird, and probably mentally not safe for work. Here are some noteworthy ones, in ascending order of how much they disturbed me:

Allergist & Immunologist:
I once retrieved a plastic helicopter from a child's nose.

General Surgeon:
5 pens, 2 permanent markers, 3 straws, 2 toothbrushes, 4 Oreo cookie wrappers. All at the same time from the stomach of a patient.

Urologist:
At our hospital recently the general surgeons removed from the stomach a bound and gagged barbie doll that the patient had swallowed.

Pathologist:
Large zucchini (rectum). The spiral from a spiral-bound notebook (male urethra). Pencil (male urethra). Cigarette lighter (stomach).

Beauty Pageants

Virginal, originally uploaded by Haggis Chick.

"The whole point of being a pretty lady is to be seen as a whore-like object"
-Kathy Griffin discussing beauty pageants

This is pretty much one of the best quotes ever!

Best Relationship Advice Ever

, originally uploaded by sasha nikitin.

I've been having boy troubles lately. One of my friends seems to be in a similar situation, and I like to read her posts on Facebook. My friend writes status updates that are really heartbreaking and often mirror my current feelings. In response to this, one of her friends wrote something along the lines of "Don't worry it will all be over soon." I assume that the individual was referring to the hurt she was feeling, but in my mind it sounds really fatalistic. Don't worry we'll all be dead soon enough. That my friend, is the best relationship advice anyone could give.

Don't Get Raped

feel, originally uploaded by BƛƬƲĐΐƧƮƐ.

We've all heard those "rape prevention" tips for women. . . don't wear a ponytail or dress like a slut.  Those tips are not only inaccurate, but also place blame on the victim for causing the rape.  Here are some tips from Colleen Jameson that focus on the other side of prevention:

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

1.  Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2.  When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3.  If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4.  NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5.  If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6.  Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7.  USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8.  Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault.

9.  Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10.  Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

(via Bust Magazine)

Time to get a job?

Schept het leegte?, originally uploaded by 11nightmares.

I want to dye my hair blonde. I guess this means it's time to get a job. I am trying to grow my hair out and for some reason I want to have hair like Cari Ann Wayman (Yyellowbird). I want to have long blonde Alice in Wonderland hair. I'm afraid that it will end up looking more like Goldilocks though. . . which is better than Shirley Temple hair anyway.

Stalking to Pass the Time

Midnight feast, originally uploaded by Chrissie White.

I'm really weird and also in a really weird mood. I really can't describe it. I feel bored, agitated and angsty. I'm not sure why I sometimes feel like this, but it may be a result of drinking coffee or poor nutrition. Anyway, because it's night time (as it often is when I am in this mood) theres nothing to do. I thought I might look on Facebook to see if an old acquaintance was on there. So, let's just cut to the chase- I basically began stalking them. Well, I didn't go to their house or anything, but Google supplied way too much information about them. This made me uncomfortable enough to stop- well, to stop looking up this individual's personal information. You really would be surprised by what is out there on the internet!

I then looked up a childhood friend I lost touch with. She was really hard to find, but I managed to look up her brother. I was amazed by how much he looks like his father. Then because I'm a super sleuth, I managed to find my friend on Myspace. I was shocked to see her grown up. She looks almost exactly like her mom. Crazy! I mean I was so startled I felt sick! If I didn't remember what her mother looked like, I wouldn't have been able to recognize her!

I wonder if she would think I had undergone such a shocking transformation? I suppose that once you enter your twenties you start the disturbing metamorphosis of aging in which you begin to resemble your parents. YUCK!

Think about it!

Lady GaGa?

Heidi Klum might call her "a fat Minnie Mouse."

Random Things I Just Learned

book, originally uploaded by Federico Erra.

• You can hiccup while asleep. 
• Elephants kiss. 
• Holding your hands up on a rollercoaster stretches the torso, enhancing the physical sensations.
• A broken heart is known as Takotsubo cardiomyopathy and it can be cured.
• Five trees make an orchard.
• An outbreak of swine flu in 1976 killed one person but a vaccine to combat it killed 25.
• You're as likely to be hit by lightning as killed by a mentally ill person.
• Banana skins can take two years to biodegrade.
• French babies cry with an accent.

From 100 Things We Didn't Know Last Year

Leaves

Giant Leaf, originally uploaded by i5prof.

I was watching all the leaves on the ground yesterday and starting thinking about them. Leaves are pretty weird. Leaves fall off trees then enrich the soil and provide nutrients to the trees. That's like if all your hair fell out, landed in your cereal bowl, and you ate it.

Road Kill

honestground, originally uploaded by yyellowbird.

there's blood on your whisper, originally uploaded by Jessica Tremp.

smallandwild, originally uploaded by yyellowbird.

I've been seeing photos of road kill a lot lately and commuting back and forth to school- observing road kill in it's natural environment.  And well, I think that I need to paint some road kill.  It seems like an obvious progression to me.  I'm going to be taking a painting class next semester so hopefully I can finally finish my painting of Patricia Arquette with a gun to her head (a scene from Lost Highway) and start on something new.

Sorry if the images are too graphic.  I think I may be going though a late in life Gothic period.  Either that or I'm just gaining renewed interest in dark eye makeup and disemboweled creatures.

White Stag

, originally uploaded by nicole ☆ lynn.

White deer hold a place in the mythology of many cultures. The Celtic people considered them to be messengers from the otherworld. Arthurian legend states that the creature has a perennial ability to evade capture; and that the pursuit of the animal represents mankind's spiritual quest. The white stag played an important role in C.S. Lewis' The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe novel. The white stag makes two appearances, distinct from each other: it pulls the reins of the White Witch, but is also responsible for leading the children out of Narnia. It has been suggested that this is a comment on the duality of good and evil.
(From Wikipedia: White stag)

The Seneca White Deer are a rare herd of deer living within the confines of the former Seneca Army Depot in Seneca County, New York. When the depot was created in 1941, a 24-mile fence was erected around its perimeter, isolating a small herd of White-tailed deer, some of whom had white coats. These deer are not albino, but instead carry a recessive gene for all-white coats. With the protection of the fence, the wildlife inside the depot flourished. In the 1950s, the depot commander forbade GI's from shooting any white deer. The deer population has since grown to about 700 head, approximately 300 of which are white, making it the largest herd of white deer in the world.
(From Wikipedia: Seneca White Deer)

Pole Dancing for Wii

Now, people of all ages can experience the fun of stripping!

Friendship

, originally uploaded by brainheartlunggut.

Four Bad Friends and Their Characteristics
The first bad friend, who takes anything:

1. Taking everything from you
2. Wanting a lot for very little (or wanting much in return for giving only a little) 
3. Doing service only when he or she gets into trouble 
4. Seeking only his or her own advantage.

The second bad friend, who is a great talker:

1. Talking of favors in the past 
2. Talking of favors in the future 
3. Trying to please you with empty promises or mouthing empty promises of goodwill 
4. Pleading inability owing to some disaster when something needs to be done in the present.

The third bad friend, who flatters:

1. Agreeing to the bad actions of you
2. Also, agreeing to the good actions of you
3. Praising you in your presence
4. Disparaging you behind your back.

The fourth bad friend, who is a fellow-spendthrift or who debauches:

1. Being a companion when indulging in strong drink
2. Being a companion when haunting the streets at unfitting times
3. Being a companion when frequenting shows and entertainments
4. Being a companion when indulging in gambling

(Who Do You Associate With: Good Friends Or Bad Friends? By U Jotalankara)

I totally fall into the fourth category!  I need to stop haunting the streets at night and engaging in debauchery!

Psychology Nerd

Inspired by Shopping Losts, I made a poster of Erikson's "The Eight Stages of Man." It's a pretty nerdy thing to do, but I need to learn them, and what better way than looking at them everyday?

Print yourself a copy and hang it next to your Visible Frylock poster.