Women’s magazines are expensive. In this economy, I can’t just throw 5 dollars out the window to read 8 discreet ways to have sex in public or what Lauren Conrad’s doing with her hair lately. I know you guys get it. Luckily, I’ve read enough of these gems in the past to describe every issue ever being released this month and the next. Read on and YOU’RE WELCOME:
1. Jennifer Aniston is really hot but she is also very pathetic. We want to have her hairstyle and her arms, but only to carry on her legacy when she dies alone.
2. Red Lipstick doesn’t make you look like a whore. It makes you look like a Southern grandmother, a mid-twenties hipster, or an elegant whore.
3. Know your face shape. Face shapes include: oval, slight oval, circle, and Tyra Banks. This face shape will help you determine the correct sunglasses to buy, haircuts to get, and how many ugly children you might have.
4. Metallics are back this season!
5. When going out to dinner, you must order grilled chicken with dressing on the side. You may have one bite of dessert and only one. But don’t restrict yourself or anything. Now, here is a 500 calorie cocktail called “THE CARRIE.”
6. Buying a stupid little throw pillow is a cheap sexy way to decorate your shitty apartment. Throw some glass marble shit in a vase, too. That’ll help.
7. There are four ways to dress: Romantic florals, Urban Chic, Classic with an Edgy Twist, and wearing your boyfriends t-shirt is sexy.
8. You need to eat salmon. Eat some fucking salmon! It’s full of healthy fats! Come on, eat some egg whites for breakfast! Peanut butter? Only if you measure it!
9. This one time, I wore an embarrassing shirt to work and it was see-through and my boss saw it! Mortified!/This one time, I was “getting it on with my man” and his parents walked in! Mortified!
10. Sending a sexy text to your man will surely get him “fired up” for later tonight. Also getting him fired up? The 86 sex tips we will now tell you.
11. However, all of these 86 sex tips are just variations of: Reverse Cowgirl, something that you need a pillow to prop you up on, or an impossible angle that promises to hit your G-spot.
12. Reason #346 you should be on the pill has nothing to do with the fact that you might have unprotected sex. A lady never has unprotected sex. However, the adjacent advertisement is for Plan B.
13. Buy some fucking boots. Wear them with all the sundresses we encouraged you to buy and a ‘chunky’ sweater and BAM! Summer to fall wardrobe! Jazz hands, statement piece!
14. A great place to meet men is at sports bar. A great place to meet a man is in the park. Don’t ask men out. Don’t be afraid to approach men. Be confident. Be coy. Wear heels. Don’t be overly sexy. Bring girlfriends with you. Don’t bring too many girlfriends with you. A great conversation starter is ____. Be yourself. Here are smoky eye tips. What are lesbians?
15. Bikini waxes really hurt, but if you take Advil before it’s only as painful as getting hit on the face with an icepick. Not getting a bikini wax? Not an option, Chewbacca.
16. My boyfriend looks through my shit/never calls/is secretive/has job stress/sex issue. Should I break up with him? Here is my incredibly nice way of telling you you’re completely fucked, while also assuring you that your Prince Charming is totally out there.
17. Here’s another terrible STD you can die from. There aren’t any symptoms and absolutely no cure. Don’t worry, though. Only 1 in 4 men have it.
18. This is a somber photograph followed by a girl’s story about how a terrible, awful thing happened to her. Here is another story about a congress woman that made it in a man’s world! Here is a 28-year-old with a fashion business! Women don’t get paid as much, and third-world women have it harder. Because these are our serious pages! Followed by raunchy sex tales!
19. HA! You’re going to marry somebody just. like. your. dad.
20. To work out, all you need to do is squat with some pink weights, get a big ass exercise ball and do some half crunches. Don’t forget your kugels, and especially don’t forget your expensive workout sports bra.
21. Quiz: Are you too needy? What’s your first impression? What kind of ice cream are you? Which Vampire hottie is meant for you? What’s your sex position? When will you die?
22. Gratuitous pictures of All-American rugby players with their shirts off.
23. Horoscope shows you will be assertive at work and get some tail.
24. A reference to a Starbucks drink.
25. No fat chicks! But you know, love yourself.